Honestly, where the hell did those two years go? Is it odd to realize that somehow you just lost a couple years of life with absolutely nothing to show for that time? Well, it's not that I have NOTHING. I did find a new appreciation for stretchy pants, internet addiction and haircuts that require zero maintenance.
Yes, evidently, this is what happens when you work at home and get lazy. In some ways it's a miracle that I've been able to survive as long as I have. My problem has been fed by an unobservant boss, a relationship with my family that bordered on strangers living in the same house, and of course total and complete disregard on my part for all those things I thought I valued.
But it's different now. For good. I hope.
Next on list: Calculate how many calories I have to burn to rid myself of the martinis I drank this past weekend. Mother's Day...so fun!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Manifesto
It took awhile to think through my big manifesto plan. Initially, I thought it was a good idea, then I started thinking it was a ridiculous idea that wouldn't accomplish anything. I looked up the exact definition of manifesto to help organize my thoughts and validate whether this was a stupid plan or a brilliant one.
Right, so like usual - while interesting, being equipped with the definition didn't really give me any new resolve, but I did decide what the hell...I'll go for it anyway. Not like it will hurt. Plus, well, I hate saying I'll do something and then not doing it - it always feels like quitting or wimping out, no matter the cause.
So, without further ado, My Manifesto:
1. Be Healthy.
Gawd, yes it's cliche. Yes, I'm sure everyone wants to be healthy. But, when I sat down to really right out those 'opinions, objectives, motives' that are important to me and that help define who I am, being healthy was easily the first thing I thought of.
Plus, let's face it, getting older really does make you look at your body and your physical traits in a new light. Avoiding a life of stretchy pants (secret: I LOVE the legging aka stretchy pants trend right now. They're so comfortable :< ) doesn't happen by itself. I have bounced up and down with my weight over the years, and right now I'm looking pretty good. I need to stick with it - exercize daily, eat right, drink less. That ought to do it. 2. Love & Appreciate The Family.
Again, this seems like a no-brainer. But for me, it's not. In fact, I have WAY too many days when I wish everyone in this house where I try to live and work would just GO AWAY. Okay, like every day I have a moment where I think that. But I know that's not really fair, and not really consistent with what I want in my heart.
Yes, the kids are noisy and hyper. Yes, my husband seems to always be in my space, annoying me. Yes, I do often wish they'd go away for awhile. But, I always hope they come back too. Maybe if I could keep silent score - every time I wish them into oblivion, I have to think of something I love about them too.
3. Live Life Fully.
Mmm, more cliche. Of course, how I define living my life fully is perhaps different than how others would define it - how they'd measure their success at it. For me, I think living fully means being honest about what I want, and what I don't want. About trusting myself, and saying aloud those things I DO want in the most specific terms.
Living fully, to me, means not being ruled by fear. Fear that I will fail to achieve what I want, especially after I've said it. Fear that I won't enjoy it if I receive it, because what I thought I wanted was wrong. Fear that I'll never be content with what I have. Fear, fear, fear.
Well, my manifesto is not a novel. Just all the words and thoughts that came rushing from my heart and brain through my fingers into words. I'm not sure that it helped me solve my current dilemmas on life, but it definitely didn't hurt. And, now I feel like I have some sort of value lens to view my life choices through.
Next On List: Drag self out for a walk
man-i-fes-to. n. a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization.
Right, so like usual - while interesting, being equipped with the definition didn't really give me any new resolve, but I did decide what the hell...I'll go for it anyway. Not like it will hurt. Plus, well, I hate saying I'll do something and then not doing it - it always feels like quitting or wimping out, no matter the cause.
So, without further ado, My Manifesto:
1. Be Healthy.
Gawd, yes it's cliche. Yes, I'm sure everyone wants to be healthy. But, when I sat down to really right out those 'opinions, objectives, motives' that are important to me and that help define who I am, being healthy was easily the first thing I thought of.
Plus, let's face it, getting older really does make you look at your body and your physical traits in a new light. Avoiding a life of stretchy pants (secret: I LOVE the legging aka stretchy pants trend right now. They're so comfortable :< ) doesn't happen by itself. I have bounced up and down with my weight over the years, and right now I'm looking pretty good. I need to stick with it - exercize daily, eat right, drink less. That ought to do it. 2. Love & Appreciate The Family.
Again, this seems like a no-brainer. But for me, it's not. In fact, I have WAY too many days when I wish everyone in this house where I try to live and work would just GO AWAY. Okay, like every day I have a moment where I think that. But I know that's not really fair, and not really consistent with what I want in my heart.
Yes, the kids are noisy and hyper. Yes, my husband seems to always be in my space, annoying me. Yes, I do often wish they'd go away for awhile. But, I always hope they come back too. Maybe if I could keep silent score - every time I wish them into oblivion, I have to think of something I love about them too.
3. Live Life Fully.
Mmm, more cliche. Of course, how I define living my life fully is perhaps different than how others would define it - how they'd measure their success at it. For me, I think living fully means being honest about what I want, and what I don't want. About trusting myself, and saying aloud those things I DO want in the most specific terms.
Living fully, to me, means not being ruled by fear. Fear that I will fail to achieve what I want, especially after I've said it. Fear that I won't enjoy it if I receive it, because what I thought I wanted was wrong. Fear that I'll never be content with what I have. Fear, fear, fear.
Well, my manifesto is not a novel. Just all the words and thoughts that came rushing from my heart and brain through my fingers into words. I'm not sure that it helped me solve my current dilemmas on life, but it definitely didn't hurt. And, now I feel like I have some sort of value lens to view my life choices through.
Next On List: Drag self out for a walk
Monday, May 4, 2009
Birthday Blues?
Next week I turn the big 3-3. Oddly, turning 30 didn't bother me, it wasn't really that b.i.g.. Neither did turning 31 or 32, but for some reason, this year it's different. This year, I feel older. This year, I can see the crinkles around my eyes. This year I can no longer blow off or continue plucking the gray hairs that persist in taking up residence at my temples. This year I can't think of what I'm working towards. This year, I wondered if all I'm working towards is...retirement?
Just writing that down, giving this ugly thought some real substance out in the universe seems utterly wrong. It's so lifeless. So boring. So terrifying to think that this is it?
I've spent my life chasing the next thing. I think I'm a bit like a bloodhound when I get something in my sights. Bachelors degree, done. Masters, done. Marriage, done. Kids, two, done. House, done. Occasional cool vacations, done. Wow, it's like my life boiled down into some freakish to do list. But it always seemed good! I was (am?) the admired girl, the girl who knows what she wants and works tirelessly to get it, who's bold, unafraid, and passionate.
Yeah. That's me, alright. Right up until the point where my list finished.
What's next? This is the thought that rattles around in my head enough to keep me up at night, enough to make me fill my desk with post-it notes of ideas, enough to think of every crazy, off the wall idea I've ever had. All of this in the hopes that I'll find something I missed on my big list of life.
I was thinking I might need to write out a manifesto. A personal, life, what-I'm-all-about manifesto. Sort of like a guidebook, a written reminder of what I'm all about so I can remember why I wanted all this stuff in the first place. I'm not sure it will help, but it sounds so - I don't know - prolific?
We'll see.
Next on list: "Write Personal Manifesto"
Just writing that down, giving this ugly thought some real substance out in the universe seems utterly wrong. It's so lifeless. So boring. So terrifying to think that this is it?
I've spent my life chasing the next thing. I think I'm a bit like a bloodhound when I get something in my sights. Bachelors degree, done. Masters, done. Marriage, done. Kids, two, done. House, done. Occasional cool vacations, done. Wow, it's like my life boiled down into some freakish to do list. But it always seemed good! I was (am?) the admired girl, the girl who knows what she wants and works tirelessly to get it, who's bold, unafraid, and passionate.
Yeah. That's me, alright. Right up until the point where my list finished.
What's next? This is the thought that rattles around in my head enough to keep me up at night, enough to make me fill my desk with post-it notes of ideas, enough to think of every crazy, off the wall idea I've ever had. All of this in the hopes that I'll find something I missed on my big list of life.
I was thinking I might need to write out a manifesto. A personal, life, what-I'm-all-about manifesto. Sort of like a guidebook, a written reminder of what I'm all about so I can remember why I wanted all this stuff in the first place. I'm not sure it will help, but it sounds so - I don't know - prolific?
We'll see.
Next on list: "Write Personal Manifesto"
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Schedule? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Schedules!
Admittedly, I'm not off to a good start here. I was so excited to start the blog, a bazillion ideas racing through my head, then...well...work happens?
There's a reason why companies have a strong business case for having employees work at home - this weekend was a real life testimonial. Deadline of Monday morning, earlier than any human (in the US anyway) wakes up, and what choice did they have but to let me hammer away at the project all weekend long. And really, I shouldn't complain - I kept telling myself this all weekend as I went nearly blind from staring at spreadsheets and crunching numbers like some sort of Excel Superwoman.
"It's not a big deal! You didn't want to work in the yard anyway. You have a good few days left to plant those things from Home Depot. A few days...at least."
I mean, who could complain about working from home all weekend, with the knowledge that I'll end up being comped out a couple of days this coming week anyway to make up for it. I think it just boils down to getting tied to your computer? The boundaries of "work" and "life" have all smooshed together at this point, and while I rationalize this state, and try to find ways to set some sort of structure to manage this complexity, at the end of the day it's still messy. I'm still not sure where work ends and life begins.
And this leads me back to the ultimate purpose of this blog in the first place - how the hell did I wind up with everything I could have possibly wanted - a great job, great family, great house (well, it's a fixer-upper, but it has potential still!), great LIFE - and end each day wondering if this is all life is cracked up to be.
I'm not sure what has caused this mini-life crisis for me, all I do know is that at the end of the day, I have no idea what to do about it. Maybe it's this strange working at home situation? Maybe it's the fact that I'm turning 33 in exactly 11 days? Maybe it's that I have no idea what to do with myself now that I've accomplished all those things (school, career, family) that I set out to accomplish?
In any case, I finally finished working on the spreadsheet project from hell which consumed my entire weekend, and so now it's time to try to relax a bit in the few hours remaining before Monday morning...
Next on list: Glass of wine
There's a reason why companies have a strong business case for having employees work at home - this weekend was a real life testimonial. Deadline of Monday morning, earlier than any human (in the US anyway) wakes up, and what choice did they have but to let me hammer away at the project all weekend long. And really, I shouldn't complain - I kept telling myself this all weekend as I went nearly blind from staring at spreadsheets and crunching numbers like some sort of Excel Superwoman.
"It's not a big deal! You didn't want to work in the yard anyway. You have a good few days left to plant those things from Home Depot. A few days...at least."
I mean, who could complain about working from home all weekend, with the knowledge that I'll end up being comped out a couple of days this coming week anyway to make up for it. I think it just boils down to getting tied to your computer? The boundaries of "work" and "life" have all smooshed together at this point, and while I rationalize this state, and try to find ways to set some sort of structure to manage this complexity, at the end of the day it's still messy. I'm still not sure where work ends and life begins.
And this leads me back to the ultimate purpose of this blog in the first place - how the hell did I wind up with everything I could have possibly wanted - a great job, great family, great house (well, it's a fixer-upper, but it has potential still!), great LIFE - and end each day wondering if this is all life is cracked up to be.
I'm not sure what has caused this mini-life crisis for me, all I do know is that at the end of the day, I have no idea what to do about it. Maybe it's this strange working at home situation? Maybe it's the fact that I'm turning 33 in exactly 11 days? Maybe it's that I have no idea what to do with myself now that I've accomplished all those things (school, career, family) that I set out to accomplish?
In any case, I finally finished working on the spreadsheet project from hell which consumed my entire weekend, and so now it's time to try to relax a bit in the few hours remaining before Monday morning...
Next on list: Glass of wine
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